In a puff of smoke, it’s gone

Farewell old chum, my arse misses you already

Brighton and Hove Albion 2 – 3 Huddersfield Town. That result will be forgotten quite quickly here on the south coast, but the date 30th April 2011 won’t, not because it was such a memorable day’s events, but it signalled a momentous day in the turbulent history of the Albion.

A mate in the pub afterwards summed it up perfectly “I feel like I didn’t really give the occasion the attention it deserved, I couldn’t really get into it. We won the league weeks ago, so the party atmosphere has been dragged out a bit.” I agree (although I missed the fucker), we won it too early. But just as Oh Gary Hart missed a tap-in in his last ever home game yesterday to cement his cult status forever with Albionites – the fairy tale season had a bit of a damp squib ending, you can’t have it all. Football isn’t like the movies, unless you’re a Manc (a red one, not an Arabian blue). So, we had our last day at the Theatre of Trees, and instead of reflecting on and celebrating the most successful stadium in the long history of BHAFC, yesterday the sell-out crowd was there to deliver a collective sigh of relief that we’re finally moving out of the place.

I’ll not cover the match, two players impressed – Craig Noone for his industry, and Marcos Painter for the most commanding defensive display I’ve seen in ages on any pitch. I’m sure even the onlooking Player of the Year Adam El Abd appreciated it, Gus Poyet definitely did and his “we’re not worthy” bowing, after Painter embarassed a Town forward with a Bobby Moore tackle, was the best comedy moment. Painter was my man of the match. But the day belonged to Harty, and every free kick, attacking move, and even defensive pass was greeted with “Give it to Harty!” from the stands. In true “ledge” style though, Gary came close, but ultimately failed. Never has such a squad player received such warm reception from his fans. That’s down to his loyalty and ordinariness, he’s an anachronism in these days of mercenary slag footballers with their off the field antics, and demands for squillions of pounds each week. And I will miss this ditty, my favourite Albion terrace chant of all time:

Oh Posh Spice is a slapper

She is a fucking tart

And when she’s shagging Beckham

She thinks of Gary Hart

OH GARY HART, OH GARY, GARY, GARY HART

For those readers who are unfortunate enough not to be Albion fans, that’s sung to the tune of “My Old Man’s a Dustman”.

So, it’s gone now, the old bleachers will be ripped up and Withdean will go back to hosting athletics in front of two old boys and a dog. It’s legacy will be as one of the worst football stadiums in the football league, but it’s also been one of the most formidable places to visit. I firmly believe that time will produce a fondness for it in the minds of all those who sat and got soaked in the open stands, miles from the pitch action. It will never compete with the Goldstone for the affections of the faithful, but Falmer has a hard act to follow in terms of footballing success, and yes some great games. Rest In Peace.

Albion 2 – 1 Walsall

First home win, but it came from what was a tight nervy game until Ash Barnes broke his 2010-11 duck in the second half. Walsall came to spoil and harry, and edged the first half for me.

Murray and Barnes were superb yesterday up front, Murray should have scored a few, but crossing for Barnes’ goal was consolation of sorts. After that the Albion dominated, and even more so when a red card was shown at Withdean which wasn’t aimed at one of our players! Nice one. Marcos Painter scored an easy header to make it two and notch up his first competitive goal.

It was downhill all the way after that, although the ref felt guilty enough about sending their player off that he intercepted a pass between our back line and played Walsall through for a late consolation goal in injury time.

Best performances: Elphick was superb at the back. Barnes tried hard and deserved his goal, sheer effort making up for his poor touch and turkey-style running. Calderon was busy down the right wing. Murray gave a masterclass in leading the line, deserving a goal or two as well. But I’m giving man of the match to Painter, he really enjoyed himself and was running the Walsall right flank ragged.

The Hovian’s Team performance :  6 out 10

The Hovian’s Man of the Match :  Marcos Painter

Npower League One table

Sunday, 29 August 2010 00:00 UK

Position	Team	P	GD	PTS
Full Npower League One table
1	Sheff Wed	4	8	10
2	Peterborough	4	4	9
3	Carlisle	4	5	8
4	Oldham	4	4	8
5	Bournemouth	4	6	7
6	Huddersfield	4	3	7
7	Brighton	4	1	7
8	Charlton	4	1	7
9	Colchester	4	1	6
10	Walsall	4	0	6
11	MK Dons	3	-1	6
12	Rochdale	4	1	5
13	Hartlepool	4	-3	5
14	Southampton	3	3	4
15	Leyton Orient	4	0	4
16	Yeovil	4	-2	4
17	Plymouth	4	-3	4
18	Notts County	4	-5	4
19	Bristol R	4	-6	4
20	Swindon	4	-2	2
21	Exeter	3	-3	2
22	Tranmere	4	-4	2
23	Dag & Red	3	-3	1
24	Brentford	4	-5	1

Albion 0 – 1 Millwall

The ultimate celebrity bellend fan, Millwall's Danny "I ate the" Baker

“Fortress Withdean”. Remember that? The days of players like Bobby Zamora and the back to back League title winning teams? Well, those days are back, Withers is a fortress again…..the only difference now it is a redoubt for visiting teams. It’s been a while (November) since I’d wrapped up and went for a pint then on to Withdean. I’d almost got my mojo back for the place. Buoyed up with our recent great form and the fantasy football experience up at Villa Park last weekend, added to our impressive record against the perennially over-achieving Sarf Londoners, I thought we’d get a nice win today. Mug.

We have lost NINE games at home now, NINE. That’s relegation regulation, no getting around it. Something is badly awry at the run-down bombsite in BN1. The match itself was pretty average. I was just saying to anyone who would listen in Block H (even they were quiet in the frigid wind) how well Adam Virgo was playing yet again when he might as well have turned round and shot into his own goal, instead he did the next best thing – five minutes into the second half  he gave it to Steve Morison, who duly slotted it past a faultless Michel Kuipers.

That was all Millwall needed, and their noisily impressive away following knew it as much as us. Their defence was solid all game. Forster and Murray each had pretty anonymous games up front, Forster giving way later to the equally anonymous, yet much heralded, Chris Holroyd, although the new boy did have a good chance which, on par with the rest of the game, squeaked past the ‘wall upright. Our best players were – Elphick, who nearly scored with a bullet header from a corner; Painter, who made way for Holroyd as Poyet went with the all-out attack option again; Calderon, most people’s man of the match, but not mine, the guy is flair, and 100% commited, but there is a little self-destruct tendency in him, he will miss games this season for picking up cards, trust me. But I love a hard-tackling full back who likes to take it to the oppo the way he does for us, he just needs to cool it a bit.

My man of the match is going to Michel Kuipers. When we were inevitably caught on the break while pressuring Millwall late on, their striker Shaun Batt, who is as fast as any fucker I’ve seen in this league, was through one-on-one with the big Dutchman twice and he pulled off two world class saves to keep the score respectable. But overall, we lost a game which we shouldn’t have yet again, blame it on some voodoo curse over Fortress Withdean, it’s our comedy bouncy castle this year.

Orient away next Saturday, our away form might save us this year, but we are deep in a relegation battle, no question.

The Hovian’s Albion Team Performance : 5 out of 10

The Hovian’s Albion Man of the Match : Michel Kuipers

Albion Team (goalscorers in bold):

(4-4-2) Kuipers; Calderon, Virgo, Elphick, Painter (Holroyd 64); Bennett, Crofts, Navarro (Cox 46), Dicker; Murray, Forster (Dickinson 64).

(Subs): Brezovan, Hoyte, Tunnicliffe, Carole, Holroyd, Cox

Gus tries to rally the troops for one last attack as we head out of Withdean deep into injury time

League One table

Sunday, 31 January 2010 00:00 UK

Position	Team	P	GD	PTS
Full League One table
1	Norwich	29	34	63
2	Leeds United	27	29	60
3	Charlton	28	20	55
4	Colchester	27	13	49
5	Swindon	26	8	48
6	Millwall	28	11	46
7	Huddersfield	26	20	45
8	MK Dons	28	4	43
9	Bristol Rovers	26	-3	38
10	Brentford	27	-3	34
11	Southampton	27	15	33
12	Carlisle	26	-3	33
13	Walsall	25	1	32
14	Yeovil	28	-5	31
15	Southend	28	-7	31
16	Hartlepool	29	-10	31
17	Leyton Orient	27	-10	31
18	Exeter	29	-11	30
19	Gillingham	28	-7	29
20	Brighton	27	-13	28
21	Oldham	25	-10	26
22	Tranmere	27	-22	26
23	Wycombe	29	-22	23
24	Stockport	27	-29	16

Walsall 1 – 2 Albion

One-time pop-chart wrecker, now trainspotter and Walsall celebrity bellend fan Pete Waterman

At last! A football match! Heavy pitch at the Bescot – should make for an incident full game. First starts for new full-backs Calderon and Painter, no place even on the bench for Gavin Hoyte. I’ve missed the first 15 minutes due to work, Murray scored in the ninth minute. Commentary say it’s all one way traffic. Walsall equalise on 25 minutes, Kuipers got a hand to it but it flies in.

Corner by Bennett, Elphick flicks on, Forster overhead kick…………2-1! Fourteen for the auld fella this season now. Arsing about at the back again just before half-time, what are we doing? Painter misjudges a back pass, Elphick fouls, Keystone capers yet again, but we survive – just. One on one against Kuipers – just missed. Suicide football at the end of this half.

Martin O’Neill (irritating touchline monkey) is watching this one from the Bescot stands as Villa don’t play today. Like the boys say on Seagulls Player – let’s hope we don’t look too good in front of him. Second half. As expected – pressure’s on. Calderon playing well, sounds a good acquisition so far. Kuipers is having a pretty poor show, reluctant to leave his line and inviting Walsall to get in amongst it in our box. Not good.

Corner, shot by Forster, knocked over the bar.  Walsall going for it, need a change, tired legs. Kuipers flaps at another back pass – get Brezovan on FFS! Albion trying to quieten this game down, that’s it – keep ball. Calderon has been pretty damn good by the sounds of it today. Dickinson on for Fozzy on 75 minutes.

Last 15 Walsall coming at us, but  we hold for for a well earned win. Good effort from all the lads, especially Senor Calderon – my man of the match. Things are looking up at the club at last, next stop Villa Park. And this should be the start of The Hovian going to all (well most) of the games and filing his first person match reports, and not relying on Johnny Cantor etc (who do a good job BTW) from 4000 miles away. This is my last ever Saturday in Shitholestan folks, now that’s a result!

The Hovian’s Albion Team Performance :  8 out of 10

The Hovian’s Albion Man of the Match : Inigo Calderon

Albion Team (goalscorers in bold):

(4-4-2) Kuipers; Calderon, Elphick, Virgo, Painter; Bennett, Crofts, Navarro, Dicker; Forster (Dickinson 75), Murray

(Subs) Brezovan, McNulty, Carole, Tunnicliffe, Cox, Hart, Dickinson

League One table

Saturday, 16 January 2010 17:04 UK

Position	Team	P	GD	PTS
Full League One table
1	Leeds United	25	30	57
2	Norwich	26	31	54
3	Charlton	25	20	51
4	Colchester	24	13	45
5	Huddersfield	24	19	41
6	Swindon	23	4	41
7	MK Dons	25	5	39
8	Millwall	25	7	37
9	Bristol Rovers	23	-4	34
10	Brentford	25	-2	33
11	Walsall	23	2	31
12	Hartlepool	25	-6	30
13	Southampton	25	13	29
14	Southend	25	-5	29
15	Exeter	26	-9	29
16	Yeovil	24	-2	28
17	Carlisle	23	-4	28
18	Brighton	25	-12	27
19	Gillingham	25	-7	26
20	Oldham	23	-9	25
21	Leyton Orient	24	-13	24
22	Tranmere	23	-22	21
23	Wycombe	27	-23	19
24	Stockport	23	-26	14

Loans and groans

Albion’s only non-loan signing so far this January goes through his paces in the Sussex snow

Is it just me, or has Gus Poyet’s fishing so far in the January transfer window has been a bit, well, mediocre? Gavin Hoyte has been given an extension of his loan deal from Arsenal until the end of the season. Poyet has taken on Frenchman Seb Carole for his third stint in the stripes – but on a week to week basis, assumedly because if he’s shit (I think he might be) he can offload him straightaway.

Latterly Poyet has just acquired Marcos Painter on loan from Swansea City. Our only bona-fide permanent signing is Inigo Calderon, and he was out of work before Poyet offered him a contract. Maybe I’m being hyper-critical, but the gaffer is not exactly making a big bang for his bucks in the transfer market. I presume The Lizard has plenty left over for this sort of thing?

Our current squad are in serious danger of relegating the club for next season, because going on results and league position we are pretty shit. We need good players in. These new boys may be brilliant, they may be wank, they’ll probably be somewhere in between those two extremes – but I was expecting a bit more. It’s early doors, maybe Gus, who’s an intelligent football man, has more dealing to do.

I’m mostly looking forward to seeing Calderon play, and then Painter. Won’t be long now, I’m all set for Villa Park and our Cup Final next week. Saturday’s match at Walsall looks in serious doubt – the snow is still thick on the ground.